Chiang Mai

I'm feeling better now, but these are some 'highlights' from an email I sent to Beau after landing in Bangkok, before my flight to Chiang Mai. He suggested I post it here. Sorry about the, um, strong language.

this is so fucking scary.
this feels really shitty.
i just want to stay alive.
i don't have anywhere to stay tonight.
i really don't know what i'm going to do.
i have no coins to use the phone.
i have no idea what's going on.
i don't want to be here by myself.
i had no idea i was such a fucking wimp.
i've been on the verge of tears since the plane landed.
this sucks this suck this sucks this sucks.
my one goal is to try to stay alive. and then figure out how to not cry all the time.
i don't know if i'm going to puke, pass out, start crying hysterically or shoot myself in the head first.

Crying hysterically eventually won out, but not until I got to a hotel room in Chiang Mai.

So yeah, I just really wasn't ready for any of this. 'Any of this' referring to Asia probably, but Thailand in particular. It's not that it's that hard being a foreigner here (I've definitely seen more Westerners than actual Thais) it's just that everything seems like a bad idea when you're 1) by yourself 2) female. So I stayed in a hotel room and watched Disney Channel original movies all night. Chiang Mai is famous for it's night market but I didn't feel like figuring out how to get there, what transportation to use, or how to not have my wallet stolen, so I watched Disney movies.

So far today I've made it from the hotel to an internet cafe around the corner.

The food has been fine. There was a meal (beef with noodles, not spicy) from Hong Kong to Bangkok and then a snack (breaded tuna and bread thing is my guess, not spicy) from Bangkok to Chiang Mai. This morning's breakfast was Sour Cream and Onion Pringles and an apple juice juicebox. Total cost - $1, from the minibar in the $18 hotel room.

I decided to 'splurge' and get the $18 hotel room with A/C, my own bathroom and hot water. December is peak tourist time so I was pretty lucky to even get that room. The taxi driver told me all the guesthouses ($2 dorm beds) would probably be full anyway.

As my heart rate continues to slow down I think I'll be able to walk around more. Chiang Mai is supposed to be a really nice city. I just have to calm down. I don't think it's the foreign city thing that making me paranoid, I'm pretty sure it's the being alone that's making me paranoid. I really really really don't want to get lost or robbed. And I feel like the chance of either is a lot higher because I'm by myself. Or this is just be being a wimp, which I'm totally ok with.

Tomorrow morning I meet my elephant people. I hope that makes me happier. This whole sad/depressed/scared/overwhelmed/homesick/lonely thing is starting to get old.

As for the rest of the time in Asia, I have plane tickets to Luang Prabang (in Laos), Siem Reap (in Cambodia), Koh Sumai (central place for the nice beaches in southern Thailand) and then back to Hong Kong. Luang Prabang will be by myself (maybe I'll meet people in the elephants place?), but the others are all with Danny and maybe Brian if we can convince him.

Other things:

• There were 6 monks on my flight from Bangkok to Chiang Mai.
• There's no toilet paper anywhere, so I've finally started using the promotions tissues that I collected in Japan.
• I tried some Thai raisin type fruit, Longan I think it's called, on the plane and it was bad. But I tried it.
• I'm going to leave the internet cafe now.